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In which I'm way too pathetic
Sep. 21st, 2012 01:21 pmHuh, I noticed not too long ago that my social anxiety issues have gotten twice as worse as of late. And with that, I mean that I'm not just scared of reaching out and talking to people-- I'm downright terrified of them.
And I don't think it's because they seem to be bad people? I mean, most people I want to talk to seem really friendly and awesome and all these good things, however I just can't do it, it's beyond me. The fact that I get the impression that, for some reason, I come off as an intimidating jerkface everywhere doesn't help and only worsens the anxiety.
Seeing everyone being best bros with everyone in a set place, group, fandom or whatever only makes it worse. It makes me kinda frustrated to see them being able to reach out to everyone and talk about everything and all that, while I just sit here being pathetic, observing everything from an isolated corner I refuse to come out of.
But that isn't strictly limited to groups with unknown people, it's gotten to the point my own friends intimidate me. Whenever I want to talk to someone, I have this feeling that I'm somehow bothering or pestering them, and they do not want my awful self anywhere near them. They have other awesome people to talk to, or jobs or school or something else.
Not to mention, I'm hardly an interesting person-- for fandom, I can't do any of the deep analysis or the grand jokes I don't find funny they enjoy so much, and I get things wrong most of the time. For rl groups, I'm not in touch with anything, I know very little outside fandom and colors and science, and thus, talking to me is a hard task (I've been told that I also have this 'intimidating glare' more often than not). Definitely not bro material.
Honestly... I think shutting everything and everyone down right now is about the best thing I can do, nobody would miss me anyway.
It's short sighted and extremely cowardly from my part, but what else can I do? I'm just going to keep hurting myself until I can't take it anymore and who knows what might happen next. Nor can I seek 'professional' help as the most they will do is fill me up with drugs and trigger some really bad memories I have no need to remember.
Not to mention, and as pathetic as it sounds, my life was much happier back when I lived in isolation, I was alone and I yearned for nothing, and I lived my life knowing that there was little I could do to revert these facts.
So yeah... kinda wanted to take this out of my chest. Sorry if you had to read so much pathetic ramble on a single page, but it's over now.
And I don't think it's because they seem to be bad people? I mean, most people I want to talk to seem really friendly and awesome and all these good things, however I just can't do it, it's beyond me. The fact that I get the impression that, for some reason, I come off as an intimidating jerkface everywhere doesn't help and only worsens the anxiety.
Seeing everyone being best bros with everyone in a set place, group, fandom or whatever only makes it worse. It makes me kinda frustrated to see them being able to reach out to everyone and talk about everything and all that, while I just sit here being pathetic, observing everything from an isolated corner I refuse to come out of.
But that isn't strictly limited to groups with unknown people, it's gotten to the point my own friends intimidate me. Whenever I want to talk to someone, I have this feeling that I'm somehow bothering or pestering them, and they do not want my awful self anywhere near them. They have other awesome people to talk to, or jobs or school or something else.
Not to mention, I'm hardly an interesting person-- for fandom, I can't do any of the deep analysis or the grand jokes I don't find funny they enjoy so much, and I get things wrong most of the time. For rl groups, I'm not in touch with anything, I know very little outside fandom and colors and science, and thus, talking to me is a hard task (I've been told that I also have this 'intimidating glare' more often than not). Definitely not bro material.
Honestly... I think shutting everything and everyone down right now is about the best thing I can do, nobody would miss me anyway.
It's short sighted and extremely cowardly from my part, but what else can I do? I'm just going to keep hurting myself until I can't take it anymore and who knows what might happen next. Nor can I seek 'professional' help as the most they will do is fill me up with drugs and trigger some really bad memories I have no need to remember.
Not to mention, and as pathetic as it sounds, my life was much happier back when I lived in isolation, I was alone and I yearned for nothing, and I lived my life knowing that there was little I could do to revert these facts.
So yeah... kinda wanted to take this out of my chest. Sorry if you had to read so much pathetic ramble on a single page, but it's over now.
